Naruto: Alternate Beginning
by Big-bird-8674
Summary: What would happen if Naruto were to meet a fellow prankster when he was young? Would this new influence be good or bad? Will anyone actually survive? No Pairings.


**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Naruto, some guy named Kishi-something-or-other does. Please, no flames:)**

Naruto Uzumaki strolled down the street, his face in full pout mode as he mentally went over what had just occurred. Jiji, or better known to everyone else as the Sandaime Hokage, had just told Naruto that he couldn't go to the ninja academy for another year. To say the five year old was upset was an understatement.

So he walked on through the village, for once oblivious to the glares of loathing he received from the surrounding villagers, until he came across a very strange looking woman. Her hair was a vibrant purple and she was obviously a kunoichi though she seemed kind of down while knawing at a stick of dango. He stared at her a moment, for some reason captivated by the woman, as if some strange force were guiding his actions, like an author writing her fan fiction (wink wink).

"Hey lady, why are you sad?" Naruto asked.

The purple haired woman turned, her gaze raking over Naruto's being.

"I lost to my boss again." She stated.

"In what? Was it a game? Is it any good?" Naruto asked, suddenly excited over not being sent away straight away.

"Yeah, it's a fun game that adults play all of the time. We make bets and there are cards – the winner gets all but for some reason I keep on losing. I owe him way too many favours now since I stopped being able to pay a long time ago." The woman frowned.

"Oh, well I'm kinda mad too I guess." Naruto stated, trying to continue the conversation. He'd only ever really talked to Hokage-Jiji before so this was an entirely new experience for him. "Hokage-Jiji said I can't go to the academy for another few years but I really wanna go now." The blond boy explained.

"I see…" The woman said though young Naruto noticed that something different now. There was something wrong with her, something kind of disconcerting. Maybe it was the slow grin that graced her face, the one that made you question her sanity… or her eyes; those eyes that seemed to be filled with mischief and mayhem. Suddenly she snapped out of her act though and turned to Naruto. "Hey kid, you wanna help me get back at my boss and the Hokage, maybe a few others who deserve it?"

"Like who? And why? How?" Naruto asked, curious.

"Oh, just a certain man I know as well as a handful of villagers that won't stop glaring at us." The dango lady said around another bite of the food, "And we're going to get back at them because we can, through pranks. Wonderful, wonderful and maybe even lethal pranks!" the woman said, her eyes gleaming again.

"Oooooo-kay…" Naruto said slowly.

"I'm Anko by the way," the purple lady said.

"Naruto."

"Good, we'll begin you're training now my young pupil," Anko said sagely, all the while smiling that bat-shit-crazy smile. Oh yes, she knew exactly what she and her new friend were going to be up to…

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

* * *

Ibiki Morino was a battle hardened man. He had suffered many things throughout his life and was considered Konoha's best and most feared interrogator in decades. At the moment he was walking through the T&I Department, nodding to his subordinates in reply to their greetings. He was heading towards his most treasured place – his personal interrogation room/dungeon. Here everything was exactly how Ibiki liked it and no one – _no one _ – who at least valued their lives a little messed with it.

Opening the door, he smiled, remembering his latest win against his second in command, Anko Mitarashi. The only slightly sane kunoichi was always fun to play a good game of poker with and her poker face was pretty damn good but it was nothing compared to Ibiki's. He'd been serving her ass to her on a silver platter for a few months now and was sensing that she was losing hope.

_'I'll have to let her win a few or else she'll get antsy…'_ Ibiki thought upon stepping into his haven… before freezing up, eyes wide in horror.

Throughout the whole interrogation department, a loud girlish scream of terror was heard. Everyone in the base headed towards the noise, knowing that no torture or anything along those lines were being performed that early in the morning, all fearing that someone – a woman by the sounds of it – had hurt themselves somewhere.

So eventually, the whole department of T&I found themselves in Ibiki's personal Horror Hole™ as it was nicknamed. They saw no one at first.

"Ibiki-sama?" Inoichi Yamanaka called out hesitantly.

It was a well-known fact that while Anko was only a yards throw away from insanity, Ibiki was about half a foot from it. What they saw in the room though made everyone freeze up. Throughout the torture chamber were bunches and bunches of roses, plushies and ribbons – all in pink and purple. There was not one inch of the room that wasn't covered in the crap but one. In the middle of the room was a cardboard cut-out of none other than Orochimaru in speedos trying for a sexy pose.

In the corner of the room was Ibiki, tears rolling down his face and curled up in the fatal position, rocking himself backwards and forwards while mumbling "No more, no more. God that snake! The pain! Gorge my eyes out please! LET ME DIE!" over and over again.

To say that the torture and interrogation department was for once truly disturbed had to be the understatement of the century.

On the back of the door was a small note that read 'With love from Anko' though no one really noticed it. This in turn of course proved quite hazardous considering just how far Anko was willing to push her newest of friends in her revenge…

* * *

Kakashi Hatake walked through the village, eye-smiling™ at everyone with his only visible eye. Today after-all was a wonderful day. The birds were chirping, the sun was shining and Kakashi had just bought a new Icha Icha Paradise book – oh god how he loved his por-er I mean, 'adult literature.'

Reaching into his pocket, Kakashi pulled out his book and opened it to read only to find… Yaoi! Staring, Kakashi was so sure he'd picked the right book. In the store he'd already started reading and it hadn't left his sight since then!

As he turned through the book he saw more and more yaoi. Crying out, he dropped the book to the ground, seeing the cover of Icha Icha Paradise: Yaoi Edition. Quickly forming the handseals, he cried out the first fire jutsu that came to mind and hurled a great flaming orb of fire at the book. Sighing in relief, Kakashi pulled out one of his older books, checking the cover only to open the book and find… yaoi…

Kakashi let out a girlish scream and feinted, tears rolling out of his lone visible eye. He would forever see yaoi no matter what he tried to read…

* * *

Hiruzen Sarutobi, the Sandaime Hokage just stood there, listening to the complaints. Ibiki was sitting in the corner, his eyes haunted and barely saying a word. Kakashi stood beside him, bags under his lone visible eyes. He hadn't spoken to anyone in a week either, let alone eaten or slept.

Also in the room was a shaky Asuma – he hadn't had a smoke in about forty eight hours leaving him with heavy withdrawals since every time he went to have one, it disintegrated. Even the second hand smoke from others smelt like bad perfume to his nose. He looked a little deranged actually.

Along with these ninja were a handful of distressed civilians and council members. There was one thing each person had in common: each had been emotionally, mentally and/or physically scarred by one Naruto Uzumaki at some point in time in the last nine days after what was now known as 'the Morino incident.'

Not even the Uchiha Massacre had had the village in such a state.

Just then though, one of the younger genin teams, team Gai, stormed in the door for a mission report to see a room full of distraught people.

"HOKAGE-SAMA, MY YOUTHFUL TEAM AND I HAVE FINISHED OUR MISSION. WE REQUEST ANOTHER IN ORDER TO TEST THE FLAMES OF OUR YOUTH…AH, MY ETERNAL RIVAL! YOU SEEM TO BE DOWN," Gai frowned upon noticing Kakashi. "WHY IS THAT?"

"Naruto –" Kakashi began – the first word he'd said in eight days – before he was interrupted by Gai's apprentice - _coughminiclonecough_ - a boy named Lee.

"AH YES, NARUTO-KUN! HE IS SO YOUTHFUL, IT MAKES ME TINGLE. REMEMBER WHAT HE TAUGHT US GAI-SENSEI?" Lee cried dramatically.

"YES LEE, LET US PORTRAY OURSELVES IN THAT OH SO YOUTHFUL POSE YOUNG NARUTO SHOWED US!" Gai screamed.

"YES, LET US!" the mini-clone screamed back before turning face to Gai, "GAI-SENSEI!"

"LEE!"

"GAI-SENSEI!"

"LEE!"

"GAI-SENSEI!"

It was like a car crash really: no matter how hard you tried you just couldn't look away.

Especially when, by the last call, the two fashion-senseless ninja were… *gag* hugging, tears rolling out of their eyes in happiness before out of nowhere, logic be damned, a sunset and beach appeared in the background. Many of the ninja in the room attempted to dispel the genjutsu but found it impossible. The few civilians in the room promptly screamed before fainting, Neji crying out "SOMEBODY, BLIND ME PLEASE!" which was entirely unorthodox considering how the Hyuga treasured their eyes.

After a few minutes, both green spandex wearing ninja stopped their embrace to see a room of unconscious people, and those who were still awake were most definitely scarred for life.

"Gai, Lee, what the hell was that?" the old Hokage demanded, seemingly terrified.

"OH YES, YOUNG NARUTO IS MOST YOUTHFUL. HE SHOWED US HOW TO USE OUR OWN FLAMES OF YOUTH IN SUCH A WAY TO LET EVERYONE ELSE ENJOY IT TOO!" Lee cried.

"Alright, here's how this is going to work. Whatever the fuck that was; it is now a Kinjutsu and if either of you ever do it again in my presence I. Will. Kill. You! So does anyone know what we should do about this?" The Sandaime asked.

"There's nothing we can do." Anko called from the doorway, unblinking and seemingly distraught. In one hand was a charred plushy of Orochimaru and in the other was a wrinkled piece of paper, her face and hair covered in fluoro pink paint. "I've created a monster."

"We could always put him in T&I…" Ibiki muttered thoughtfully.

"We can't subject our enemies to _that_," Sarutobi said, before his eyes widened, glancing around the room at many thoughtful faces, "Can we?"

* * *

… And so, that is how Naruto Uzumaki became the most feared interrogator/torturer/prankster in all the Shinobi nations, many villages giving their ninja the flee-on-sight order in an attempt to keep their forces sane, even though there was no war actually going on.


End file.
